Am I a rock? Am I an island?

It is no secret that a person that calls her own blog "A fat blog" has some issues... 

Mainly with food and surely with her methabolism, but never the less there are issues.

I guess this quote pretty much says it all: the aloness, the out-of-placeness ( the making up wordsness), the little sense and meaning it all has sometimes.

But I am not sucidal or anything, so it's not that kind of feeling, and you can hardly say I am anti-social if you know me so it is not the lack of people around that leaves the empty spot...

Don't even try to lecture me about being now 30 and feeling the need for companionship, because we all know that is a totaly different issue (one that I have, do not worry, but that I am not going to adress in this post).

It is more like speaking a different language than everybody else, it's having a mind with a speed of its own that takes you away at the wrong times and fails you constantly;

it's being different in a way that you don't even know and that nobody can see.

I have been fortunate in many many ways in this life: I have family, I have more real friends that the adverage human being can count, I really do.

I have cats, dogs, nephews and nieces, roommates, Easter eggs, new shoes, parties, poetry (to protect me), a job and everything else you want to put in this.

Name it and I assure you that if I have ever cared for it I have it.

Am I happy? Not that I know.

Would I know if I was? I don't know that either.

Why is this feeling of misunderstanding always pending over my head?

Is there a planet where I should go back to?

When I identify with the Creature (oh yes, he is not called Frankenstein: that would be his creator) it's because I too feel like I can't hear nor see anybody like me out here.

Am I really just very self centred? Well I guess we all are... I guess we all see just our own problems and live only what is in our heads, don't we?

The only thing that I can say for myself is that it's like being two different persons that complete and yet contrast each other: one is the outside person that lives my everyday life, the other is the one that only exists in my head and keeps up the blues.

Perhaps a shrink would be a better audience for all this...

On second chances...

We mostly her about second chances in movies, books, other people's lives...

Don't get much of those in our own life, at least I know I don't.

But I often wonder: would be really ready for them? Are we ready to take a different path, to make a new choice, to try something rlse for a change?

I mean, if you wonder back to all of your missed chances I bet that you will notice that they are pretty much all similar... 

All about the one that got away, about those trips you should have taken, those job offers you turned down, things you should have applied for... And so on and on and on...

Well, my dears, let me tell you that you are not ready.

If you would have been you would have done something about it already: second chances do not just happen, you have to make them happen.

I shall give you a practical example of what I mean, take from my very own life experience, which I now realize is not much to speak of.

Anyhow...

I'll tell you the story of a guy that I used to like when I was a freshman in college, it's a very short and only slightly pathetic story compared to others of mine so don't be affraid:

So, as you have already guessed, there was this one guy, a little (much) older related to one of my flat  mates so he came by for a few days to visit and we got very much along; 

He was (I suppose he still is) cute, very funny, clever, interesting, very tall with a nice job... 

In short he was the whole package.

To make a long story short once we were talking once, about music if I'm not mistaking, and he tried to kiss me. I really liked him. Really. That's why I pulled away so fast I banged my head against the wall.

He came back to visit once again after that and my flat mate had already moved out to a place nearby so he called me up to see me.

Tah dah! A second chance right there!

And that's the story of how a guy tried to kiss me twice and I banged my head against the wall TWICE.

Yet, I don't think I've learned my lesson.

I hope you do!

It's all about graduation

Today is one of those days that you'd think you'll remember for the rest of your life...

At least you should.

I'm here at my former school in Nakhon Nayok and it's graduation day, a day that marks the end of the "stay at home and depend on your parents for meals" era.

But that's pretty much all I remember about my graduation day...

I remember being there and being questioned, but I can't honestly remember how I felt or what most of the questions were about or who came before and after me.

I don't remember going home or what I did after, I remember studying the days before but that might be a memory or just a known fact.

I suppose this works differently for different people, I believe some retain the memory of this day and hold on to it like one of the best days of their lives.

I guess for me it was just another day... A stressful one but apparntly not even that hard to go through.

Maybe it's because back home we don't have a cerimony or anything like that: you go there, do your exam, go home. 

Nothing special, nothing to report, nothing to remember...

Litterary memories

AI'm on the train on my way bavk from Edinburgh to London and the view is breathtaking.

All the villages and th woods and the green hills...

And the sea! I mean, I live on an island and work by the beach but this is so different.

The sea here is dark, agitated, torbid and it seems to be here to take back the land we inhabit.

And this whole idea is completed by the amazing cliffs that the waves try to have their way with.

I can really see how all this might have inspired so many writers, so much litterature...

I think I should come back here and rent a place by the sea to write my book.

Peace, quite and not having around anyone I know: it will be a masterpiece.

I have to stop writing here every 5 seconds to take pictures of the view...

Simply lovelly!

Looking at the cottages I can picture Marianne and Margaret Dashwood walking up and down or just Marianne tushing up to get a last good look at Willoughby's house...

I can see Elizabeth Bennet with her dress' bottom covered in mud power-walking towards Netherfield Park to check on Jane.

Ok, I guess the countryside is all about Miss Austen's works, but I have all the time in London to be Mrs Dalloway.

I can't even begin to immagine how hard it will be to walk around Bath with no Capt. Wentworth letter in my hands...

But back to this trip...

All the magic brought by the memories of Mansfield Park could be ruined by one thing only and here we have it: a group of loud, rude, smelly food eating Chinese people.

The postcard perfect view should have a different background so I think I'll enjoy it with my iPod in my ears...

The bus chronicles

Ok so, as you might have figured out already, I'm on the bus.

I'm going back to my appartment from my parents' place to pack my things for London... Leaving tomorrow morning.

This bus is the one high school kids take from all the surrounding towns to get to those few, far away schools this area has to offer.

From scientific high-schools (just like the one I attended what now seems to be a life and a half ago) to professional training schools for restaurant staff and hotellerie (I suppose I should keep the French word for it... Just to have that certain je ne sais quoi).

All the students get off the bus on the third and fourth stop and at the fifth most of the people that work in the city hops on, so in a 5 minutes time both the average age and the main topics change drammatically...

I am, I think, between the two groups agewise, so I really have no comments on that except for "Lady, for crying out loud, buy pants that reach your ankles: this is not a fishing trip!" Or "Boys, for your own sake and the sake of your penis: learn the magic of deodorant!".

But what I wanted to write about is more the shift of topics/language we had here.

First of all boys seem to be mute this early in the morning, while girls had a lot to share: we had "new cell phone so I need all the numbers back... Mainly that guy's" and "are you coming tomorrow? I hear there will be a strike so we won't go in I might as well stay in bed..." ( just so you know here students'strikes aren't protests about the money cuts to education or unemployment or the lack of updating in the teaching programs... They are about the heaters being off - when it's 27 degrees outside - or the lack of vending machines in the hallways. Sorry, no more peace marches here... My heart is breaking) or, to resume our topic, my very favourite " if that bitch gets on do not let her seat next to me... I'll pretend I'm sleeping".

Change of passengers change of focus: most of them are sleeping and those 2/3 that aren't talked about " have you heard how early the tickets office closes at the bus station??? How can they do that? ( btw we have tickets machines as well so they could just buy the tickets there with no need for an office)" and "can you believe what are they asking me to do? I already givethem 8hours of my day I need time to enjoy my life!" and now they are reading and commenting today's paper with a series of "can you believe this?" "I knew this was going to happen" "I am not surprised" " All polititians are the same" and "Have you heard about that guy that killed his ex? He was the neighbour/cousin/relation of someone".

So now you have a panoramic view of what is like to take a bus from the middle of nowhere across a bunch of nobody towns.

Remember I am writing this from the bus, so be nice to my spelling!

Life changes

This time I've decided: I'm turning my life around.

I need to change things if I want to enjoy what I am doing or do what I enjoy (????).

I don't want to live her anymore: fine!

I don't want to be a student any longer: perfect! 

I want to have my own place and my own job: fair enough!

So, these things are not just going to happen so, inspired by this amazing jazz piece playing on one of the iTunes stations (Drop that sack, by Johnny Dodds) I am making a life plan.

I am a very visual person you can say, so abstract goals never really stuck with me...

I need visual aids.

So as soon as I'll be done telling you/none about this I'll get paper and pen and design my future... Well... Not really my future... My path to it.

Keep your fingers crossed!

I'll try to post a picture of the plan later and keep you updated on how it will be going.

FYI

Oh yes...

Just so you know...

You can comment on my posts, that would help