I'm a bitch, I'm a lover I'm a child, I'm a mother I'm a sinner, I'm a saint... My life CV

I can understand how you'd be so confused
I don't envy you
I'm a little bit of everything
All rolled into one....

Ah, music... What an inspiration... There always seems to be a song for every specific mood, for every moment of my (your) life.

Today I needed a key to unleash the post I was cookig in my head for the past few days and Meredith Brooks came to the rescue.

I came to the realization that we should come with instructions, I mean us people.

Well, perhaps not instructions, but a CV wouldn't hurt.

Leave alone babies, because they are like one of those surprise gift bags you got at gas stations and newspapers' stands back in the 80's... Man, those were awesome... Fantastic and always disappointing at the same time... Bags, not babies. You shouldn't be disappointed at babies.

Anyhow... Off topic as usual...

I think that if we enetered interpersonals relationships like we do with jobs we would live a better life:
"Hi, my name is.... Here is my CV and a cover letter from my best friend and one from my highschool sweetheart"

See? You'd like that, won't you?

So here is my CV, leaving out personal data, because you know me already way too well:

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Name: : I can call you Betty, and Betty if you want you can call me Al (yeah, I will always quote a song)

Birthday: Love it! I begin counting down the days 01/01 wishing it was as important for others and someone will finally get me that surprise party with everyone who loves me there but no old people and a fantastic 80's playlist and a karaoke station (hint hint)

Mobile: I never ever answer my phone, I hate phone calls, you shouldn't call me... Whatsapp is a totally different story

Address: I don't believe in houses, the world is my home and I wish you'd understand that

Previous Experiences: Actively only two broken friendships (one is back on track); several heartbreking stories about my heart not being broken and a few heartbreaks (again: two); I'm a fantastic best friend both in the long run and for seasonal jobs.

Main responsibilities: patching up broken hearts, superficial skin wounds, lying to parents and cops (yeah, that happened), offer shelter and tasty dinners, finding new restaurants to try, prevent unsuitable making out sessions, loading washing machines, loading refrigerators with cheap alcohol, saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, taking your side (mostly when you are wrong), singing made up songs to cheer you up

Languages: I can use and abuse 5 different languages, I love them, they are my drug of choice... If I could learn one a day I would. I haven't mastered the art of shutting the hell up in any of them, but I am not really planning to.

Special skills: Uber-professional karaoke performer (singer would have been reductive), always dressed to impress (never said it ahd to be a good impression), fierce goalkeeper (meaning I have no fear to let the ball pass me by), gold medal in sushi eating, amazing tastes in music, I can read a book (it seemed fair in these days and ages to count this as a special skill), I am an amazing cook, decent listener, mean dancer when I'm alone, stupid forgiver and forgetter, awesome with animals and small childern.

Skills acquired through volunteering: I learned not to give a fuck. I learned I will never learn from my mistakes. I keep giving my heart out to undeserving people.

Three strongest qualities: good liquor holder, my ass (deal with it), good liar

Three biggest wicknesses: compulsive liar (is it a wickness? Maybe if I could control it it would be a quality), my ass (we have a conflicting relationship), movies make my cry (really, any movie does, depending on my mood)

About me: I have a slight OCD triggered by buttons; I share the same brain with 4 different personalities: a tomboy, a raging alcoholic, a bookworm and a sarcastic bitch. The latest has the tendency to prevale.

Certificates can be provided if requested.
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How is this for a CV?

Would you hire me?
Have you already hired me and are you now thinking about firing me? You didn't expect the ODC, did you?

Let me end as I begun, with an inspiring quote from a song by the masters of music:

There's nothing you can do that can't be done
Nothing you can sing that can't be sung
Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game
It's easy

Nothing you can make that can't be made
No one you can save that can't be saved
Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you in time
It's easy