I was a hot mess
In my Sunday best
Black tears in my eyes
I felt the need to add the three lines above, in case you didn't know this title was taken from the always beautiful Goodbye by Who's fancy.
The rest of the song doesn't apply to the purpose of this post, so let's leave it to that.
The purpose of this post was to say saomething I just couldn't say to his face. Something means many things actually.
I write it here because he'll never find it. I write it in English because, in case he does, he won't bother.
Here goes nothing. Everything. Many things.
"You left. You really did. You went away and it's been hard. Almost 15 exact days of not seeing you. Almost 1 exact days of me thinking of you and rethinking myself.
I'm not going to lie, they have been weird days, long days, with way more tears and sleepless nights that I care to admit.
I was a mess. I made a mess. I have been called a mess.
But life goes on and so do I. Or so I'm told.
I just want to tell you that I regret nothing and I am happy I found someone like you to talk to and, you know.
People, those few I dared talk to about the blues of my heart, told me I should have hated you; they said I should blame you for my saddness. But I can't.
I don't think you did anything wrong. I think I wanted something you couldn't give to me and I can't honestly blame you for that.
I don't think you were my true love, my knight in a shiny white armor. I don't need rescueing and I am sorry if I made you feel you should have saved me from myself.
This means to be an apology most of all so here you have it: I am sorry.
I am sorry I was chatty and oversharing, I have the tendency to talk too much when I am nervous.
I am sorry I made you feel like you owed me something, you didn't really.
I am sorry I let you know right away how much I liked you, I couldn't help myself.
With you I couldn't hide myself like I wanted to. You asked me why I wouldn't look into your eyes, here is your answer: I didn't want you to see me. Not all of me at least.
In life I take great pride in not knowing regret and grudges, most of the time at least, and if for the second I will never learn how to hold one, I do have a few regrets in all of this.
I regret not looking into your eyes.
I regret not shutting the hell up.
I regret not asking you to stay with me.
I regret letting the world see how much it hurts.
But for you I only have gratitude and happy memories, so you will never have to fear one word from me nor resentment.
Those good memories will stop hurting one day, I'm not quite certain when, and I will maybe be able to look back with a smile.
I am sorry once again, because I can't keep writing this words that you will never read, as my eyes are filling with tears again and I am sitting at the bar.
I will say one last thing, because one thing you said once still stays with me: I once told you I couldn't understand what you were doing spending your time with me, as you could have had any other girl you wanted (yeah, sorry also for my neverending insecurity) as you are so good-looking and you turned the question around changing the looks with witts, but I don't think you believed my answer.
So, once more, here is my answer: because you are an amazing human being. You are funny, smart, clever, caring but most of all because you are all these things at once.
I will admit that falling for you when you didn't fall for me was a massive, painful mistake, but I will never regret it.
I will never regret you."
There you go... Words, please, get lost in the nothingness of the web.
